NEED TO STOP THIS BEFORE KARMA HITS MY SISTER

I pretended to be someone I am not over the internet. I don’t actually consider myself as a “pretender”; I am more into “hider”. And of course pretending don’t just come out of nowhere, it comes from things like hiding emotional concerns.

It was the time when I was so unhappy, empty, and dealing with some personal issues. It was also the time that I badly needed someone to help me cope with my depression.  It was the time that I needed comfort from someone I do not know literally. It was the time where my heart was torn into pieces.

Here comes a guy I met online. We started chatting. We talked everyday and in the long run, that casual friendship escalated into something we called “more than just friends”.  I found it awesome to fool someone. He simply believed with my sweet lies.  He thought that I am a woman of a whole package, I mean everything a man wanted from a woman.  I didn’t ask anything and in that simple manner, I started making a way into his subconscious world. He loves me. He became emotionally attached to me. No doubt about it. And in strange way, it provides me a little comfort.

We will be 1year next week. 1 year of pretensions. 1 year of lies! 1 year of expectation on his part. 1 year of playing games in my part. In 1 year of that perilous affair, I’ve never said “I LOVE YOU”. He asked about it all over and over again and I keep coming up with a lame excuse “I’M NOT SO GOOD WITH WORDS”. Yes, I did that bizarre thing!

I should’ve never done this to a good person. I thought I’d fall but I failed. I can only offer casual friendship while he invested his feelings in me.

Lying is normal. Have you ever known someone who never told you lies? I knew he lied to some extent. But I lied even more. That’s not fair.

Just recently I found out that my one and only sister went home late very often. I am being threatened with such idea of getting home late when in the first place she’s only Grade 7. I maybe a bitch when I was high school but I made it sure that I’m home on time. I am a one-sided stage sister. I do not accept excuses.

I had sleepless nights thinking about my sister. In fact I bought new cp so I can supervise wherever she goes.  Then the concept of “KARMA” popped into my mind followed by the golden rule “do not do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you”.  I remember myself playing with someone’s feeling for almost a year. . I still believe in karma even if it fails to give me what I earned. I know karma happens to you or anyone closer to you. What goes around comes around as they said.

I want to stop this before karma hits my sister but I do not know how. I just want to stop pretending to be someone I am not. I know it will surely hurt someone. I just wanna be free. I don’t wanna be imprisoned with the concept of karma.

I have been asking advices from my friends up there about it. To sum up with: they said “stay away from that guy”. So I will follow their genuine advices. Little by little I’ll keep distance. Sooner or later I’ll change my digits, block my IM’s and in a few more months, I’ll lie that I will be working abroad. I’m cleaning up my mess.

He’s a good man. He got everything. He’s every woman’s dream. I just don’t want him to settle for less for he deserves the best. I tell you, he’s the best option I’ve ever had. He doesn’t deserve to be fooled by an idiot like me.

TEMPORARY GOODBYE TO FB/TWITTER WORLD :-)

Neither curse nor luck will exist. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you so much for waking me up from sudden point of sleepiness, for reminding me that life is not always a bed of roses. Now, this optimism turned into cynicism. I guess I need some break. I am lost, totally lost. My current lifestyle isn’t going anywhere. And with inadequate reason, I need to deprive myself from the internet world where biases, hypocrisies, selfishness, unjust jealousy and unsolicited judgments are highly tolerated. That out of the blue failure served as an impetus to reassess my life and begin searching what is missing. And when I come back, everything will not be the same as it was. Everything will be dandy again. God is good all the time.

HASTA LA PROXIMA VEZ (TIL NEXT TIME)

BIRTHDAY WISH GRANTED

   My birthday is fast approaching. Eversince, I never asked God for any material things for I know I’ll get disappointed if I’ll ask. On my 20^th birthday, I asked for perseverance. On my 21^st birthday, I asked forgiveness. On my 22^nd birthday, I asked happiness. On my 23^rd birthday, I asked guidance. Just this year, I have been told with not so many people out there to control my temper. So lately, I constantly prayed to God to give me the longest patience. I get angry too easy. I lose patience in a heartbeat even on smallest nonsense issue. I can’t control my temper in a way that I say things people would rather not know. God is so good that he granted my sincere prayer long before my birthday. He tested my temperament recently. And guess what?? I was able to keep my tongue behind my teeth. In addition, I’ve also learned not to raise my middle finger while saying “LOOK WHO’S TALKING??”. Thank you Lord for everything. All is well. I have saved the relationship. No chaos. No hurt feelings. No cursing.  

DEAR DIARY....

Yesterday I dated someone whom I met in a bus on my way back to Butuan a week ago. We dated from moon café to boulevard and lastly to dales foodhauz. I truly appreciate his effort in courting me personally. I am even touched knowing the fact that he traveled 3hrs (Butuan-Surigao) just to do it. Conscience torments me considering that he wasted his precious time and money but all he got was an unexpected failure. It’s not that I don’t like him; it’s just that I found no chemistry between the two of us. I can see no sparks the time we were together. I guess I am doomed to be single forever. I can’t be in love again after all the pains I’ve suffered.  Let’s just be civil, otherwise we can’t be friends.

COPING MECHANISMS

I have all the reasons to sleep early and to wake up late this time unlike for the last few weeks when my heart forced my mind to wake up and sneak down as much as I could just to check if that "complete stranger" is texting/sending emails.

 

How do I manage diverting my untouched feelings into anything somewhat funny, childish and stupid arena? I guess the pictures below best showed some of my coping mechanisms.

OUT OF MY REACH

Is it right to be hurt and get jealous when in the first place he doesn’t feel anything for you? My heart feels it would be easier to fall in love with someone else, someone with less baggage and a better fit for me. I maybe vigilant and a big critic when it comes to choosing a mate but in this moment of my desolate existence, I tend to fall unstoppably fast to someone who showed minute cares to me even if it’s bogus. I don’t know why… possibly because this time I want to belong, I want to feel claimed, I want stability and security and I want forever. Thus, I want to have a long term relationship. However, I feel like I am now stuck in this miserable existence with nobody to lean on. My mind is anxious with this optimism that somehow somewhere sometime he’ll feel the same way in return with all the respect and positive attitude I’ve exposed to him. I am not really vocal with my feelings towards anyone else but I know his perceptive gifts recognize how I feel. I want him to like me with his own volition not being coerced with the so called “sympathy.”

He isn’t sweet. He doesn’t even show affection. He limits himself to anything. But I truly love his style. I couldn’t understand this… this bullshit feeling happened so quickly.  He isn’t anything I had planned on. I like him to the extent that from time to time he popped into my unconscious world. I don’t even really need to read his messages anymore, I have them memorized. He drives me crazy. One thing I’m terrified of is that he might not be who he says he is. This is not healthy for me. I need to stay away from him, otherwise I’ll get melancholy. I started getting jealous even if I don’t own him and I don’t even really know him. I know I can get out of this drama before getting my hopes high. It’s not worth the risk of liking a complete stranger. 

ANOTHER STUPID DRAMA

           Sleep called me very late last night. I was texting with my guy friend (university-mate) residing here in Surigao. He asked me about the status of my love-life and so I said “I got zero”. He was amazed that I perfectly knew the answer the moment he asked me “how long have you been single?”  The hell drama went on… He offered himself that if I need someone to talk to, he’s available. I do not know what exactly happened why it made me cry. It was just a text and it surely meant nothing. Oddly, I long for a moment to sink into the arms of someone who would let me cry on their shoulder, which in fact, I usually do not allow myself to grieve over that damn thing. Again, there is no point in putting my pain on display. I know this emotion will bid goodbye soon. It’s all a matter of time before I can no longer keep it under control.

         I STILL HAVE THIS FAITH THAT SOMEDAY I WILL FIND SOMEONE. NOT BETTER, NOT AS REPLACEMENT. JUST SOMEONE SPECIAL ENOUGH. :-)

I AM WHO I AM

I am careless. I am tactless. I am bold. I am selfish. I am foolish. I am bad. I am crazy. I am noisy. I am numb. I am nonsense. I am stubborn. I am rebellious. I am an addict. I am judgmental. I am liberated. I am compulsive. I am weak. I am clumsy. I am incompetent. I am conceited. I am ignorant. I am childish. I am weird. I am rude. I am impolite. I am hypocrite. I am boastful. I am proud. I am inconsistent. I am flirt. I am aimless. I am cruel. I am a drunkard. I am desperate. I am  illiterate. I am deceitful. I am lazy. I am pessimistic. I am filthy. I am bullshit.

I am who I am. But let’s always bear in mind that even the thinnest sheet of paper has two sides to it. I admit, I am not perfect. I maybe a beautiful disaster at times…. but I still believe that I’m pretty good overall.

                                         

MISSING YOU LIKE HELL :-(

       MY DAYS ARE BLUE,

       MY SMILES ARE FEW,

       IT'S BECAUSE I MISS YOU.

          "I MISS YOU"- Who the hell initiated and popularized that line??? I've been gettin' used to it. But yet my heart is not immune with such after-effects. Is this what we called “karma”? But I have been doing the right thing all those times….I should get a good karma in return.  Why does doing what's right always hurt so much? Why do I still go running back to you? It's unfair. It's really not. 

         There are so many questions that linger in my mind this time. So many WHYS. (sigh!) March 26, 2011 that was the last time that we were together. Do you still remember those moments? It’s been over a year and yet it seems like yesterday. I’ve sacrificed my happiness and so I’ve let you go. This is the right thing to do. Yes! One nice quote I’ve read “You can’t move forward if you keep looking back.” Thus, I keep myself busy to death to forget those moments, but for every little thing I do, the ghost of you bothers me.

         Why is it that in every bit of happiness I feel, there is really something that reminds me of you? When I am about to ride a tricycle going to terminal during my last duty in that city, I saw your car passed. Months later, we were having a good time with my high school friends and then again your car passed in the middle of my laughter. I wonder if that was coincidence or it was really written to piss me off. 

         Somebody courted me this time. He’s damn serious about it. But I’m not yet ready to commit. I knew myself very well…and for sure if I’ll say yes, I might have the chance of comparing him to you. I wanna be fair. I know how it hurts. And it’s not in my line to use anyone just to forget you. I have been hurt and frustrated several times prior to our relationship, I know I can move on and time will heal! I still have this positive outlook.

THE PROMISE

WHEN I LOVE, I LOVE DEEPLY.
BREAK MY HEART & YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE WORD FROM ME.
BUT I CAN BE A MARTYR IF YOU WANT ME TO BE,
JUST PROMISE ME IN THE END YOU WILL CHOOSE ME.


I WONT SHOUT, I WONT SCREAM.
FOR I CAN ALWAYS ENDURE THE PAIN
SO LONG AS THE LOVE REMAINS
AND A PROMISE THAT WE'LL BE IN THE END.


CALL ME CRAZY, CALL ME DAMN
BUT THIS LOVE MAKES ME NUMB.
PERHAPS THIS IS WHAT WE CALLED INSANITY,
BECAUSE I CLING TO YOUR PROMISE OF ETERNITY.