NEED TO STOP THIS BEFORE KARMA HITS MY SISTER

I pretended to be someone I am not over the internet. I don’t actually consider myself as a “pretender”; I am more into “hider”. And of course pretending don’t just come out of nowhere, it comes from things like hiding emotional concerns.

It was the time when I was so unhappy, empty, and dealing with some personal issues. It was also the time that I badly needed someone to help me cope with my depression.  It was the time that I needed comfort from someone I do not know literally. It was the time where my heart was torn into pieces.

Here comes a guy I met online. We started chatting. We talked everyday and in the long run, that casual friendship escalated into something we called “more than just friends”.  I found it awesome to fool someone. He simply believed with my sweet lies.  He thought that I am a woman of a whole package, I mean everything a man wanted from a woman.  I didn’t ask anything and in that simple manner, I started making a way into his subconscious world. He loves me. He became emotionally attached to me. No doubt about it. And in strange way, it provides me a little comfort.

We will be 1year next week. 1 year of pretensions. 1 year of lies! 1 year of expectation on his part. 1 year of playing games in my part. In 1 year of that perilous affair, I’ve never said “I LOVE YOU”. He asked about it all over and over again and I keep coming up with a lame excuse “I’M NOT SO GOOD WITH WORDS”. Yes, I did that bizarre thing!

I should’ve never done this to a good person. I thought I’d fall but I failed. I can only offer casual friendship while he invested his feelings in me.

Lying is normal. Have you ever known someone who never told you lies? I knew he lied to some extent. But I lied even more. That’s not fair.

Just recently I found out that my one and only sister went home late very often. I am being threatened with such idea of getting home late when in the first place she’s only Grade 7. I maybe a bitch when I was high school but I made it sure that I’m home on time. I am a one-sided stage sister. I do not accept excuses.

I had sleepless nights thinking about my sister. In fact I bought new cp so I can supervise wherever she goes.  Then the concept of “KARMA” popped into my mind followed by the golden rule “do not do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you”.  I remember myself playing with someone’s feeling for almost a year. . I still believe in karma even if it fails to give me what I earned. I know karma happens to you or anyone closer to you. What goes around comes around as they said.

I want to stop this before karma hits my sister but I do not know how. I just want to stop pretending to be someone I am not. I know it will surely hurt someone. I just wanna be free. I don’t wanna be imprisoned with the concept of karma.

I have been asking advices from my friends up there about it. To sum up with: they said “stay away from that guy”. So I will follow their genuine advices. Little by little I’ll keep distance. Sooner or later I’ll change my digits, block my IM’s and in a few more months, I’ll lie that I will be working abroad. I’m cleaning up my mess.

He’s a good man. He got everything. He’s every woman’s dream. I just don’t want him to settle for less for he deserves the best. I tell you, he’s the best option I’ve ever had. He doesn’t deserve to be fooled by an idiot like me.

BIRTHDAY WISH GRANTED

   My birthday is fast approaching. Eversince, I never asked God for any material things for I know I’ll get disappointed if I’ll ask. On my 20^th birthday, I asked for perseverance. On my 21^st birthday, I asked forgiveness. On my 22^nd birthday, I asked happiness. On my 23^rd birthday, I asked guidance. Just this year, I have been told with not so many people out there to control my temper. So lately, I constantly prayed to God to give me the longest patience. I get angry too easy. I lose patience in a heartbeat even on smallest nonsense issue. I can’t control my temper in a way that I say things people would rather not know. God is so good that he granted my sincere prayer long before my birthday. He tested my temperament recently. And guess what?? I was able to keep my tongue behind my teeth. In addition, I’ve also learned not to raise my middle finger while saying “LOOK WHO’S TALKING??”. Thank you Lord for everything. All is well. I have saved the relationship. No chaos. No hurt feelings. No cursing.  

OUT OF MY REACH

Is it right to be hurt and get jealous when in the first place he doesn’t feel anything for you? My heart feels it would be easier to fall in love with someone else, someone with less baggage and a better fit for me. I maybe vigilant and a big critic when it comes to choosing a mate but in this moment of my desolate existence, I tend to fall unstoppably fast to someone who showed minute cares to me even if it’s bogus. I don’t know why… possibly because this time I want to belong, I want to feel claimed, I want stability and security and I want forever. Thus, I want to have a long term relationship. However, I feel like I am now stuck in this miserable existence with nobody to lean on. My mind is anxious with this optimism that somehow somewhere sometime he’ll feel the same way in return with all the respect and positive attitude I’ve exposed to him. I am not really vocal with my feelings towards anyone else but I know his perceptive gifts recognize how I feel. I want him to like me with his own volition not being coerced with the so called “sympathy.”

He isn’t sweet. He doesn’t even show affection. He limits himself to anything. But I truly love his style. I couldn’t understand this… this bullshit feeling happened so quickly.  He isn’t anything I had planned on. I like him to the extent that from time to time he popped into my unconscious world. I don’t even really need to read his messages anymore, I have them memorized. He drives me crazy. One thing I’m terrified of is that he might not be who he says he is. This is not healthy for me. I need to stay away from him, otherwise I’ll get melancholy. I started getting jealous even if I don’t own him and I don’t even really know him. I know I can get out of this drama before getting my hopes high. It’s not worth the risk of liking a complete stranger. 

I AM WHO I AM

I am careless. I am tactless. I am bold. I am selfish. I am foolish. I am bad. I am crazy. I am noisy. I am numb. I am nonsense. I am stubborn. I am rebellious. I am an addict. I am judgmental. I am liberated. I am compulsive. I am weak. I am clumsy. I am incompetent. I am conceited. I am ignorant. I am childish. I am weird. I am rude. I am impolite. I am hypocrite. I am boastful. I am proud. I am inconsistent. I am flirt. I am aimless. I am cruel. I am a drunkard. I am desperate. I am  illiterate. I am deceitful. I am lazy. I am pessimistic. I am filthy. I am bullshit.

I am who I am. But let’s always bear in mind that even the thinnest sheet of paper has two sides to it. I admit, I am not perfect. I maybe a beautiful disaster at times…. but I still believe that I’m pretty good overall.

                                         

THE PROMISE

WHEN I LOVE, I LOVE DEEPLY.
BREAK MY HEART & YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE WORD FROM ME.
BUT I CAN BE A MARTYR IF YOU WANT ME TO BE,
JUST PROMISE ME IN THE END YOU WILL CHOOSE ME.


I WONT SHOUT, I WONT SCREAM.
FOR I CAN ALWAYS ENDURE THE PAIN
SO LONG AS THE LOVE REMAINS
AND A PROMISE THAT WE'LL BE IN THE END.


CALL ME CRAZY, CALL ME DAMN
BUT THIS LOVE MAKES ME NUMB.
PERHAPS THIS IS WHAT WE CALLED INSANITY,
BECAUSE I CLING TO YOUR PROMISE OF ETERNITY.

GOING BEYOND THE HORIZON 10/20/11

I was apprehensive enough knowing that my superior assigned me in a certain place where my heart was tattered a million times.  Refusing a favor is somewhat an insult. It took me awhile to build up the courage to say “yes”. Didn’t even have a plan to say no. I knew I couldn't go my whole life regretting for not letting myself conquer such fear, the fear of missing him again terribly.

And why is that so??

Surigao means so much to me. It is the calm place where I said goodbye and thank you one last time. Presently, the flame is still here but it isn’t enough to burn me properly. It’s indeed a supreme irony since we are not together for quite long time. My friends even laughed at me and often called me “OA” for being too stagnant. They just didn’t know I have died to figure a way for me to enjoy myself by quenching my thirst for some alcoholic beverages to momentarily forget everything, but it wasn't incredibly feasible.  It took me long to realize that I was being both young and stupid. Part of me still wanted him. But to be so close, yet so far away is something I don’t want to live with forever. I am glad I decided not to be with him, as that would have made things much harder when the truth came out. Perhaps I would have felt betrayed in that situation. Fooled might be a better word for it. Now, the race is fixed and changes have been made.

The final day that was looming. With my shades on, I managed to say “hello” to the place I used to hate, Surigao. “Dab dub dab dub” according to my heart. I was really worried. So many “what ifs” that bothered in my mind. What if with this isolation makes me feel sad? What if I will just cry over and over again reminiscing the past? What if being alone would mess up everything? What if loneliness affects my everyday life here in general? Blah blah blah…. heaven knows how emotional I am.  


But oh!  I never thought I can be this happy. There is something magical in this place that makes me feel alright. I am alone but not lonely as I have gadget to connect with my friends. Surigao is really an ideal place for vacation. I truly appreciate this place…so nice, organize and clean city next to Davao. Seems like all my thoughts before contradicts with what I’m feeling right now. All fears have been vanished. Tears have been dried I guess. hahahhahah...

Life is great but too short. It’s never too late to accept sudden changes in our lives. That’s  another life-is-not-always-a-bed-of-roses’ story of mine. Just realized that I miss all the happiness I could have had by not allowing myself to be free.


-=cioz=-