I PLEAD GUILTY

Walking back and forth was the only thing I did last night until a sudden black out disrupted my deep deliberation about my mistake. It only worsened my feelings as it made me feel so sick and isolated from the world I used to have, crazy-funny world. I tried sharing it to my roommates to get some relief but it was a darn failure. I asked God for forgiveness and guidance months ago and granted my request. He led the way but to my stubbornness I was making my own way to calvary, not just once but several times. I am drowning with signs, warnings and advices to stay away from it. I somehow made it, but only for a short span of time.  In fact I was on the road to fix things up but boredom killed me and temptations teased me. I am only human and I am also weak that I could not afford to resist temptations. So I ended up making same mistake all over again. This is not me anymore. I used to be a good person way back then until someone played games with me that pressed my demonic side button to explode. Sadly, it did not only explode, it even ruled my life. I plead guilty! If only my guitar is here, I wouldn’t commit same mistake again. Now that I’m in a mess, who’s to blame? Boredom? Guitar? Or I am to blame for being too weak?

SHIT PIECE OF COINCIDENCE

I remember someone I used to know last dinner as I was mixing the spices and sauce (he was the one doing it for me given that he knew my taste.) Throughout the dinner I think about him unintentionally. I tried deflecting my thoughts to someone I am involved with recently but the old memory was so powerful and won the race to my hypothalamus. I wondered why the food tasted salty when I anticipated a sweet and sour taste. It took me some time to realize the presence of my tears that I tasted. I lost my appetite in eating even delicious foods were served. I turned away from the table, surprised by my inability to know how I felt for that matter. It was something I hadn’t been ready for.

I switched to eating oatmeal before going to bed. I snuggled up in bed early to avoid further heartaches when out of the blue our common friend called me. We talked almost 2 hours and in that 2 hours we talked about him, gladly that I made a triumphant exit for that topic. When the call ended around 10PM, I forced myself to sleep when again my boardmate played the song that reminds me of him. I covered my ears with pillows for me not to hear it. I played “payphone” using my cp and set the volume to maximum level. Again I made it. Then I switched my phone to FM station and listen to Dr. Jack. I became speechless when Dr. Jack’s caller divulged his 1^st name…..same name with the one who bothered my mind that time. Fate tested my strengths & I hate it. With those coincidences, insomnia rejoices its victory. I was having a hard time to sleep. I sneaked down to have some smoke hoping that it would somehow recover some of my composure.  But as I lit a stick of Philip morris, holy shit I remember the third party.  Kalokohan!!!

Just sharing! I cannot just dismiss such odd. Tsk tsk.

NEED TO STOP THIS BEFORE KARMA HITS MY SISTER

I pretended to be someone I am not over the internet. I don’t actually consider myself as a “pretender”; I am more into “hider”. And of course pretending don’t just come out of nowhere, it comes from things like hiding emotional concerns.

It was the time when I was so unhappy, empty, and dealing with some personal issues. It was also the time that I badly needed someone to help me cope with my depression.  It was the time that I needed comfort from someone I do not know literally. It was the time where my heart was torn into pieces.

Here comes a guy I met online. We started chatting. We talked everyday and in the long run, that casual friendship escalated into something we called “more than just friends”.  I found it awesome to fool someone. He simply believed with my sweet lies.  He thought that I am a woman of a whole package, I mean everything a man wanted from a woman.  I didn’t ask anything and in that simple manner, I started making a way into his subconscious world. He loves me. He became emotionally attached to me. No doubt about it. And in strange way, it provides me a little comfort.

We will be 1year next week. 1 year of pretensions. 1 year of lies! 1 year of expectation on his part. 1 year of playing games in my part. In 1 year of that perilous affair, I’ve never said “I LOVE YOU”. He asked about it all over and over again and I keep coming up with a lame excuse “I’M NOT SO GOOD WITH WORDS”. Yes, I did that bizarre thing!

I should’ve never done this to a good person. I thought I’d fall but I failed. I can only offer casual friendship while he invested his feelings in me.

Lying is normal. Have you ever known someone who never told you lies? I knew he lied to some extent. But I lied even more. That’s not fair.

Just recently I found out that my one and only sister went home late very often. I am being threatened with such idea of getting home late when in the first place she’s only Grade 7. I maybe a bitch when I was high school but I made it sure that I’m home on time. I am a one-sided stage sister. I do not accept excuses.

I had sleepless nights thinking about my sister. In fact I bought new cp so I can supervise wherever she goes.  Then the concept of “KARMA” popped into my mind followed by the golden rule “do not do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you”.  I remember myself playing with someone’s feeling for almost a year. . I still believe in karma even if it fails to give me what I earned. I know karma happens to you or anyone closer to you. What goes around comes around as they said.

I want to stop this before karma hits my sister but I do not know how. I just want to stop pretending to be someone I am not. I know it will surely hurt someone. I just wanna be free. I don’t wanna be imprisoned with the concept of karma.

I have been asking advices from my friends up there about it. To sum up with: they said “stay away from that guy”. So I will follow their genuine advices. Little by little I’ll keep distance. Sooner or later I’ll change my digits, block my IM’s and in a few more months, I’ll lie that I will be working abroad. I’m cleaning up my mess.

He’s a good man. He got everything. He’s every woman’s dream. I just don’t want him to settle for less for he deserves the best. I tell you, he’s the best option I’ve ever had. He doesn’t deserve to be fooled by an idiot like me.

TEMPORARY GOODBYE TO FB/TWITTER WORLD :-)

Neither curse nor luck will exist. Everything happens for a reason. Thank you so much for waking me up from sudden point of sleepiness, for reminding me that life is not always a bed of roses. Now, this optimism turned into cynicism. I guess I need some break. I am lost, totally lost. My current lifestyle isn’t going anywhere. And with inadequate reason, I need to deprive myself from the internet world where biases, hypocrisies, selfishness, unjust jealousy and unsolicited judgments are highly tolerated. That out of the blue failure served as an impetus to reassess my life and begin searching what is missing. And when I come back, everything will not be the same as it was. Everything will be dandy again. God is good all the time.

HASTA LA PROXIMA VEZ (TIL NEXT TIME)

BIRTHDAY WISH GRANTED

   My birthday is fast approaching. Eversince, I never asked God for any material things for I know I’ll get disappointed if I’ll ask. On my 20^th birthday, I asked for perseverance. On my 21^st birthday, I asked forgiveness. On my 22^nd birthday, I asked happiness. On my 23^rd birthday, I asked guidance. Just this year, I have been told with not so many people out there to control my temper. So lately, I constantly prayed to God to give me the longest patience. I get angry too easy. I lose patience in a heartbeat even on smallest nonsense issue. I can’t control my temper in a way that I say things people would rather not know. God is so good that he granted my sincere prayer long before my birthday. He tested my temperament recently. And guess what?? I was able to keep my tongue behind my teeth. In addition, I’ve also learned not to raise my middle finger while saying “LOOK WHO’S TALKING??”. Thank you Lord for everything. All is well. I have saved the relationship. No chaos. No hurt feelings. No cursing.  

DEAR DIARY....

Yesterday I dated someone whom I met in a bus on my way back to Butuan a week ago. We dated from moon café to boulevard and lastly to dales foodhauz. I truly appreciate his effort in courting me personally. I am even touched knowing the fact that he traveled 3hrs (Butuan-Surigao) just to do it. Conscience torments me considering that he wasted his precious time and money but all he got was an unexpected failure. It’s not that I don’t like him; it’s just that I found no chemistry between the two of us. I can see no sparks the time we were together. I guess I am doomed to be single forever. I can’t be in love again after all the pains I’ve suffered.  Let’s just be civil, otherwise we can’t be friends.

COPING MECHANISMS

I have all the reasons to sleep early and to wake up late this time unlike for the last few weeks when my heart forced my mind to wake up and sneak down as much as I could just to check if that "complete stranger" is texting/sending emails.

 

How do I manage diverting my untouched feelings into anything somewhat funny, childish and stupid arena? I guess the pictures below best showed some of my coping mechanisms.

OUT OF MY REACH

Is it right to be hurt and get jealous when in the first place he doesn’t feel anything for you? My heart feels it would be easier to fall in love with someone else, someone with less baggage and a better fit for me. I maybe vigilant and a big critic when it comes to choosing a mate but in this moment of my desolate existence, I tend to fall unstoppably fast to someone who showed minute cares to me even if it’s bogus. I don’t know why… possibly because this time I want to belong, I want to feel claimed, I want stability and security and I want forever. Thus, I want to have a long term relationship. However, I feel like I am now stuck in this miserable existence with nobody to lean on. My mind is anxious with this optimism that somehow somewhere sometime he’ll feel the same way in return with all the respect and positive attitude I’ve exposed to him. I am not really vocal with my feelings towards anyone else but I know his perceptive gifts recognize how I feel. I want him to like me with his own volition not being coerced with the so called “sympathy.”

He isn’t sweet. He doesn’t even show affection. He limits himself to anything. But I truly love his style. I couldn’t understand this… this bullshit feeling happened so quickly.  He isn’t anything I had planned on. I like him to the extent that from time to time he popped into my unconscious world. I don’t even really need to read his messages anymore, I have them memorized. He drives me crazy. One thing I’m terrified of is that he might not be who he says he is. This is not healthy for me. I need to stay away from him, otherwise I’ll get melancholy. I started getting jealous even if I don’t own him and I don’t even really know him. I know I can get out of this drama before getting my hopes high. It’s not worth the risk of liking a complete stranger. 

ANOTHER STUPID DRAMA

           Sleep called me very late last night. I was texting with my guy friend (university-mate) residing here in Surigao. He asked me about the status of my love-life and so I said “I got zero”. He was amazed that I perfectly knew the answer the moment he asked me “how long have you been single?”  The hell drama went on… He offered himself that if I need someone to talk to, he’s available. I do not know what exactly happened why it made me cry. It was just a text and it surely meant nothing. Oddly, I long for a moment to sink into the arms of someone who would let me cry on their shoulder, which in fact, I usually do not allow myself to grieve over that damn thing. Again, there is no point in putting my pain on display. I know this emotion will bid goodbye soon. It’s all a matter of time before I can no longer keep it under control.

         I STILL HAVE THIS FAITH THAT SOMEDAY I WILL FIND SOMEONE. NOT BETTER, NOT AS REPLACEMENT. JUST SOMEONE SPECIAL ENOUGH. :-)

I AM WHO I AM

I am careless. I am tactless. I am bold. I am selfish. I am foolish. I am bad. I am crazy. I am noisy. I am numb. I am nonsense. I am stubborn. I am rebellious. I am an addict. I am judgmental. I am liberated. I am compulsive. I am weak. I am clumsy. I am incompetent. I am conceited. I am ignorant. I am childish. I am weird. I am rude. I am impolite. I am hypocrite. I am boastful. I am proud. I am inconsistent. I am flirt. I am aimless. I am cruel. I am a drunkard. I am desperate. I am  illiterate. I am deceitful. I am lazy. I am pessimistic. I am filthy. I am bullshit.

I am who I am. But let’s always bear in mind that even the thinnest sheet of paper has two sides to it. I admit, I am not perfect. I maybe a beautiful disaster at times…. but I still believe that I’m pretty good overall.

                                         

MISSING YOU LIKE HELL :-(

       MY DAYS ARE BLUE,

       MY SMILES ARE FEW,

       IT'S BECAUSE I MISS YOU.

          "I MISS YOU"- Who the hell initiated and popularized that line??? I've been gettin' used to it. But yet my heart is not immune with such after-effects. Is this what we called “karma”? But I have been doing the right thing all those times….I should get a good karma in return.  Why does doing what's right always hurt so much? Why do I still go running back to you? It's unfair. It's really not. 

         There are so many questions that linger in my mind this time. So many WHYS. (sigh!) March 26, 2011 that was the last time that we were together. Do you still remember those moments? It’s been over a year and yet it seems like yesterday. I’ve sacrificed my happiness and so I’ve let you go. This is the right thing to do. Yes! One nice quote I’ve read “You can’t move forward if you keep looking back.” Thus, I keep myself busy to death to forget those moments, but for every little thing I do, the ghost of you bothers me.

         Why is it that in every bit of happiness I feel, there is really something that reminds me of you? When I am about to ride a tricycle going to terminal during my last duty in that city, I saw your car passed. Months later, we were having a good time with my high school friends and then again your car passed in the middle of my laughter. I wonder if that was coincidence or it was really written to piss me off. 

         Somebody courted me this time. He’s damn serious about it. But I’m not yet ready to commit. I knew myself very well…and for sure if I’ll say yes, I might have the chance of comparing him to you. I wanna be fair. I know how it hurts. And it’s not in my line to use anyone just to forget you. I have been hurt and frustrated several times prior to our relationship, I know I can move on and time will heal! I still have this positive outlook.

THE PROMISE

WHEN I LOVE, I LOVE DEEPLY.
BREAK MY HEART & YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE WORD FROM ME.
BUT I CAN BE A MARTYR IF YOU WANT ME TO BE,
JUST PROMISE ME IN THE END YOU WILL CHOOSE ME.


I WONT SHOUT, I WONT SCREAM.
FOR I CAN ALWAYS ENDURE THE PAIN
SO LONG AS THE LOVE REMAINS
AND A PROMISE THAT WE'LL BE IN THE END.


CALL ME CRAZY, CALL ME DAMN
BUT THIS LOVE MAKES ME NUMB.
PERHAPS THIS IS WHAT WE CALLED INSANITY,
BECAUSE I CLING TO YOUR PROMISE OF ETERNITY.

JUST SO YOU KNOW

I'm writing this because I'm trying to find an outlet to help cope with my... insanity…

I've been getting a lot of creepy "come ons" and I don't feel comfortable with it. Time heals right?

It's been almost a year and yet I still carry this heavy baggage. I can't go forward. I keep asking myself if I have done something wrong that pushed him away from me. Insecurity in all aspects (beauty, wealth and body) lives in me this time. I knew this is absolutely wrong and must not have done but I just couldn’t help it. I am no saint. I even have a distress in clicking facebook Home, afraid of what might be posted (current pictures & events) from his account or our common fb friend’s account.  Each time I open my fb, I browse directly to my profile. I don't even want to hear anything about him, afraid to hear that he's gettin' married. I know his perfectly fine moving forward while I'm in a slowly upward slope of getting over. When our friends asked me about him, I just simply told them that he's in a serious relationship and I'm happy for him. I'm doing it so they wouldn't ask me about him the next time we meet. GOD KNOWS!

My 2 close childhood friends asked me the status of my lovelife. They knew how much I've suffered from my past relationship and how the relationship badly ended. I think they're all worn out giving their advices which I did nothing in return.  I guess they are tired of reminding me that God is still busy preparing the best man for me.  It is very nature among girls to remain stagnant and can’t move on unless if we find someone new who’ll gonna fill the empty hole. It is our nature and it is not an entirely bad thing.

I spent seconds, minutes, hours, days or even months aimlessly looking for someone to seal this crack in my heart. I’ve dated several times with all sorts of men…macho, gwapo, rich, poor, tall, short, etc. Every man that made me feel something I put myself out there for. I usually answered a “no”, but even when I said yes I found a reason to walk away. Aloofness comes naturally this time whenever I meet someone. No one seems to be interesting enough. I couldn't help myself, but I had to compare them to my past. No one could equal up to him. After a long time I stopped trying to fill the hole. It healed over, but there will always be a scar that won't fade. To this day I still love him. It has changed and doesn't hurt so bad, but I will always love him.