I pretended to be someone I am not over the internet. I
don’t actually consider myself as a “pretender”; I am more into “hider”. And of
course pretending don’t just come out of nowhere, it comes from things like
hiding emotional concerns.
It was the time when I was so unhappy, empty, and dealing
with some personal issues. It was also the time that I badly needed someone to
help me cope with my depression. It was
the time that I needed comfort from someone I do not know literally. It was the
time where my heart was torn into pieces.
Here comes a guy I met online. We
started chatting. We talked everyday and in the long run, that casual
friendship escalated into something we called “more than just friends”. I found it awesome to fool someone. He simply
believed with my sweet lies. He thought
that I am a woman of a whole package, I mean everything a man wanted from a
woman. I didn’t ask anything and in that
simple manner, I started making a way into his subconscious world. He loves me.
He became emotionally attached to me. No doubt about it. And in strange way, it
provides me a little comfort.
We will be 1year next week. 1 year of pretensions. 1 year of
lies! 1 year of expectation on his part. 1 year of playing games in my part. In
1 year of that perilous affair, I’ve never said “I LOVE YOU”. He asked about it
all over and over again and I keep coming up with a lame excuse “I’M NOT SO
GOOD WITH WORDS”. Yes, I did that bizarre thing!
I should’ve never done this to a good person. I thought I’d
fall but I failed. I can only offer casual friendship while he invested his
feelings in me.
Lying is normal. Have you ever
known someone who never told you lies? I knew he lied to some extent. But I
lied even more. That’s not fair.
Just recently I found out that my one
and only sister went home late very often. I am being threatened with such idea
of getting home late when in the first place she’s only Grade 7. I maybe a
bitch when I was high school but I made it sure that I’m home on time. I am a
one-sided stage sister. I do not accept excuses.
I had sleepless nights thinking
about my sister. In fact I bought new cp so I can supervise wherever she goes. Then the concept of “KARMA” popped into my
mind followed by the golden rule “do not do unto others what you don’t want
others do unto you”. I remember myself
playing with someone’s feeling for almost a year. . I still believe in karma
even if it fails to give me what I earned. I know karma happens to you or
anyone closer to you. What goes around comes around as they said.
I want to stop this before karma
hits my sister but I do not know how. I just want to stop pretending to be
someone I am not. I know it will surely hurt someone. I just wanna be free. I
don’t wanna be imprisoned with the concept of karma.
I have been asking advices from my
friends up there about it. To sum up with: they said “stay away from that guy”.
So I will follow their genuine advices. Little by little I’ll keep distance.
Sooner or later I’ll change my digits, block my IM’s and in a few more months,
I’ll lie that I will be working abroad. I’m cleaning up my mess.
He’s a good man. He got
everything. He’s every woman’s dream. I just don’t want him to settle for less
for he deserves the best. I tell you, he’s the best option I’ve ever had. He doesn’t
deserve to be fooled by an idiot like me.
