I'm writing this because I'm trying to find an outlet to help cope with my... insanity…
I've been getting a lot of creepy "come ons" and I don't feel comfortable with it. Time heals right?
It's been almost a year and yet I still carry this heavy baggage. I can't go forward. I keep asking myself if I have done something wrong that pushed him away from me. Insecurity in all aspects (beauty, wealth and body) lives in me this time. I knew this is absolutely wrong and must not have done but I just couldn’t help it. I am no saint. I even have a distress in clicking facebook Home, afraid of what might be posted (current pictures & events) from his account or our common fb friend’s account. Each time I open my fb, I browse directly to my profile. I don't even want to hear anything about him, afraid to hear that he's gettin' married. I know his perfectly fine moving forward while I'm in a slowly upward slope of getting over. When our friends asked me about him, I just simply told them that he's in a serious relationship and I'm happy for him. I'm doing it so they wouldn't ask me about him the next time we meet. GOD KNOWS!My 2 close childhood friends asked me the status of my lovelife. They knew how much I've suffered from my past relationship and how the relationship badly ended. I think they're all worn out giving their advices which I did nothing in return. I guess they are tired of reminding me that God is still busy preparing the best man for me. It is very nature among girls to remain stagnant and can’t move on unless if we find someone new who’ll gonna fill the empty hole. It is our nature and it is not an entirely bad thing.
I spent seconds, minutes, hours, days or even months aimlessly looking for someone to seal this crack in my heart. I’ve dated several times with all sorts of men…macho, gwapo, rich, poor, tall, short, etc. Every man that made me feel something I put myself out there for. I usually answered a “no”, but even when I said yes I found a reason to walk away. Aloofness comes naturally this time whenever I meet someone. No one seems to be interesting enough. I couldn't help myself, but I had to compare them to my past. No one could equal up to him. After a long time I stopped trying to fill the hole. It healed over, but there will always be a scar that won't fade. To this day I still love him. It has changed and doesn't hurt so bad, but I will always love him.
